ON a serious note, and with all honesty, in 1979 the U S Conngresional Special Sub-committee of Assassinations concluded the while they could not say who pulled the trigger, there was a 98+% certainty that at least 4 shots were fired at JFK, and that there thus must have been at least 2 shooters. All the files of the committee, which were broadcast live on National Public Radio are now classified as top secret. Some citizens were listening and remember. The TRUTH may one day set us free.
No way! it was Col Mustard in the Kitchen with the knife! or the one about the Swedish Murder mystery, the butler was the only one not to do it!
I thought that he was still alive, albeit badly injured, on a desert island somewhere. I can't think why I am joking about what was one of the defining moments of my teenage years! I think, no matter how much stuff they rake up about him, he will always be a hero to my generation.
Today's chuckle? Sadly I can identify with too many of these (particularly the last)!!!! 1. Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them (did that in my 20's, left my son outside a shop!!!). 2. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5lbs. 3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely. 4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes (how true!!). 5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does. 6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends. 7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today 8. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness. 9. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers. 10. Every 7 minutes of everyday, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. 11. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes! 12. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know, sometimes I forget to eat!' ....... Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys. But I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat! 13. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills...she has 14 kids but doesn't really care. 14. My body is not all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said 'Body, how would you like to go to the six o'clock class of vigorous toning?' Clear as a bell my body said ' Listen witch.....do it and die'. 15. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him. 16. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are - eating too much; impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!
My father told me this one today. A man walks into his bedroom carrying a duck under his arm. His wife is laying on the bed reading. Husband: (looks at the duck) "This is the fat pig I've been talling you about." Wife: "Dear, thats not a pig, thats a duck!" Husband: "Im not talking to you, Im talking to the duck..." hehe
A member of the RAF Regiment with a duck on his head, walked into see a doctor. The doctor asked, "where did you get that"? The duck replied, "it started as a pimple on my bum"!
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn't - and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big Radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing." Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up &down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. Well, what is it then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson." "Batteries?" cried the wife. "Yes ....." he replied - OOOH - Now this is going to kill you OOOOH - You're gonna hate me for this - but it will make your day!!! she sells C cells by the sea shore!"
This is one told to me bu one of my clients! A male and a female broom are walking down the street, the female broom says, "I think I'am pregnant" "you cant be" said the male broom, "we have not swept together"!
CHAVS: 1. What do you call a Chav in a box? Innit. 2. What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet? Sorted. 3. What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it? Safe. 4. What do you call an Eskimo Chav? Innuinnit. 5. Why are Chavs like slinkies? They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs. 6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit? The bride. 7. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him? It might be your bike. 8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut? One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut. 9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night? What you lookin' at?" 10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box? Paint three stripes on it. 11. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving? The police. 12. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's? A liar. 13. What do you say to a chav with a job? Can I have a Big Mac, please. 14. What do you say to a chav in a suit? Will the defendant please stand. 15. What do you call a knife in chav-ville? Exhibit A. 16. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame? A Nova seats 4. 17. What do you call a 30 year old chavette? Granny. 18. How many chavs does it take to change a lightbulb? One, they'll screw anything. 19. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river? A start. 20. How many chavs does it take to clean a floor? None, "That's some uvver bleeders job innit." 21. Why did the chav take a shower? He didn't mean to, he just forgot to close the Nova's window in the carwash. 22. Why did the Chav cross the road? To start a fight with a random stranger for no reason whatsoever. 23. What do you call a Chav at college? The cleaner. 24. A bus full of Chavs were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfgogogferrinfourasoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one Chav asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing." 25. Two chavs jump off beachy head, who wins? Society. EMO PHILIPS ONE-LINERS: "I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse." "I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." "When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas..." "How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand." "I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson." "I'm a great lover... I'll bet." "When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me." "I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes." "I asked my girlfriend what she wanted for her birthday. 'Oh, just get me something expensive that I don't need'. So I signed her up for a course of chemotherapy.
HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)] I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. Police were called to a day care where a 3-yr-old was resisting a rest. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. To write with a broken pencil is pointless When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months. A thief fell & broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A. The dead batteries were given out free of charge. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired. A will is a dead giveaway. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. A backward poet writes inverse. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft & I'll show you A-flat miner.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. A calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine. ('Taint none of it mine lately!!) A boiled egg is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
This is just as bad!!! A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous Brunette sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. 'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?' 'No,' she replies. . . Wait for it. . It's coming. . The suspense is killing you, isn't it? She says: 'You just happened to catch my eye.' Boom!!!!! Boom!!!!!
Is it allowable to ban anyone who comes out with a joke that bad? Or do I just retaliate with the Ghandi joke?
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: " English archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots. One week later, "The Kerryman," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee ,Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless.
My sister-in-law is convinced that my husband wrote this!! As if he would still have hands or be drawing breath!!!! It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of house-keeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Bernard. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her, instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not an option. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door! She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice big cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it as well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. Bernard (retired) Did make me smile though because I can actually hear many of our peers talk in a sort of similar fashion. That said I am always amazed when I hear fairly young girls (even into their 30's) proudly proclaim some chauvinistic behaviour from their other half - makes me wonder sometimes what the feminist movement really did achieve! Answers on a postcard to ......
Understanding Engineers - One Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday,minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway." Understanding Engineers - Two To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. Understanding Engineers - Three A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?" Understanding Engineers - Four What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets. Understanding Engineers - Five The graduate with a science degree asks," Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" Understanding Engineers - Six Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" Understanding Engineers - Seven Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. Understanding Engineers - Eight An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
