Here Kitty, Kitty Hi Kitty, Hope you liked it, I'm not really sure from your reply. Is it laughter? or could be a form of native war cry with a spear in your hand. Judging from the personal photograph, you keep posting, you really should think about trying to stop smoking ! Funnily enough men don't seem to appreciate this kind of humour ! :hug: Cheers Keith
Dedicated to those of us who have selflessly nursed patients suffering from:- MAN FLU - THE FACTS: 1. Man-flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*. *(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.) 2. Man-flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single man-flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too. 3. Women do not contract man-flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities. 4. Men do not 'moan' when they have man-flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in. 5. Full recovery from man-flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it 6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast). 7. Men suffering from man-flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known. 8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown man-flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off. 9. Man-flu germs are more powerful than He-man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of man-flu. 10. While it may seem like a man-flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has remarkable soothing powers. Every minute in this country one man is struck down by man-flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'll beat this monstrous disease together.
Gender Wars Hi Fellas Our darling female friends have always said " Men have it so easy, they have no idea what a woman has to go through at childbirth." " If they had to endure all the pain and the agonies of having a baby, etc. etc., there would be a very few births". Well, I'm here to dispel all those rumours and myths. It's very easy for men to experience the sufferings of having a baby. You look in the mirror. Firmly take each side of your upper lip between thumb and forefinger of each hand. Count to three. The pull your upper lip up and over the back of your head. Simple :headhurt: Cheers Keith ps. even at my age I love them all. :hug:
Two true stories Hi All, Well not too much response from my favourite marriage party speech tale. So how about a couple of true, hand on heart, stories. After a long friendship, the chap who was always my partner during recce missions, in the far flung reaches of the various training areas, took great pride in telling me that no matter how many times he broke wind while we were in the land-rover, it never caused an any sort of nasty smell. I replied saying, I also found what he said was absolutely amazing, unfortunately it was, my opinion that he should see the M.O. when we got back. I felt that the problem was very serious and that an operation was definitely indicated. What! on my bottom, he asked. No! I said on your nose. :jaw: The other, and my only excuse for offering it is, it is absolutely true. Like most men of my age, a few years back, during the reign of "Hurricane" Higgins, Ray Readen and the like, I became an avid devotee of the green baize programs. When watching a vital match during the world cup, I felt myself being distracted by my ever loving who was sat on the other side of the room, intently glancing at the TV then at me, alternately, for quite a while. In the end I could bear no longer. So I turned her, taking my eyes of the hallowed box for a second, and said to her, something like " dearest darling, what on earth is wrong, something is obviously troubling you ?" To which she replied, "I am so tired, would you mind if I kissed you between the balls and go to bed ! At this point we both, realising what she had just said, had a laughter fit. :first: I swear it is true. Cheers Keith
Hard Times Hi Nana, I too love cats, I have a few hundred pics in my files. I also like dogs, but talk about dramatic, read my little story, hope you're not thinking of going to Miami. Cheers Keith
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others that I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed. The bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke, "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful"
Christian Bear Hi Annie, Gorgeous story, Did that bear come from "Bear Town" and have a feline name? :heh: Cheers Keith
QUOTE=Keith POST #160 Hi All, Hope I'm not going to upset Kitty again. Cheers Keith Suspect you are getting close!!!
Hi Nana "We" don't get upset by friendly banter, after all my son, his wife and my grandchildren live in Bear Town, very close to where I had a business. Also they have a lovely M.P. a very good market and shopping area. I hold the town in very high regard. Territorial chit chat is always linked to good humour. :dwarf: :assassin: :butcher: Cheers Keith
What happens when British Squaddies get too much sun? Britains Finest And spot the civvies at the end
This should nicely insult everyone Political lolz: SOCIALISM You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour. COMMUNISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk. FASCISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk. NAZISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you. BUREAUCRATISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away. TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead. ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull. A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows. A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide. A GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch. A RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them. A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation. AN INDIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You worship them. A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows. Both are mad. AN IRAQI CORPORATION Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy. AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate. A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.
Short analysis of WWII Tactics Standard task – Attacking a hill defended by an enemy infantry company Germany, early and mid-war: An hour before sunrise a battalion of troops has breakfast and prepares to attack. At dawn the hill is softened by dive-bombers and battalion mortars, then infantry moves in, throws grenades, charges into the trenches. By afternoon the Germans have already built their own defensive positions on the hill. Germany, end of the war: Because there is no gas for the dive-bombers and the battalion has 47 men remaining (including three HitlerJugend kids and two VolkSturm men who didn’t take part in WWI because of poor health), the attack fails. The attempt to reinforce the the battalion with a tank company fails because one of the tanks had engine trouble, two were destroyed by enemy bombers on the move, and the last one started to advance, but was knocked out. Poland: A cavalry squadron charges the hill and goes down in a hail of bullets. England: The troops retreat across the nearest sea and start the naval blockade. USA in Europe: A regiment moves near the hill, and the hill is bombarded by 150 strategic bombers for two weeks. Sometimes they miss and hit their own troops. In two weeks the remaining battalion occupies the giant crater. USA in the Pacific: An island (10 sq.mi) is attacked by five battleships, four heavy carriers, and 150 supporting ships. After three days of bombardment, the troop transports enter the bay that used to be Japanese fortifications and land everything needed to take the island: Marines, beer, and a movie theater. USSR, early war: The regiment assigned for the attack is disorganized because of air strikes, so it starts the attack three hours too late and attacks by companies. The retreat order is late by eight hours, the remains of the regiment (about a hundred men) go into the forest, form a partisan unit from the locals, and the Germans have to keep that company on the hill for the next 3 years. USSR, mid-war: The regiment assigned for the attack is disorganized because of contradictory orders, so it starts the attack three hours too late and attacks by companies. The retreat order is never comes, after the regiment is wiped out the hill is attacked by three penal battalions. By the third battalion Germans run out of ammo and remaining convicts take the hill in fierce hand-to-hand combat. USSR, late war: The hill is bombarded by dive bombers, then heavy artillery, then Katyushas. The battalion assigned for the attack, along with supporting tanks and SP guns, finds only a smoldering plain where the hill was supposed to be. The commanders bitch about being given the wrong maps again and decide to take another hill 5 miles to the west, punching through the second line of German defenses. Everyone gets awarded. Italy, early war: After losing all tanks in a frontal assault, an Italian regiment surrenders to the defenders. Mussolini asks Germans for help (see above). Italy, mid-war: Due to horrible cold (2 degrees below freezing), Italians don’t attack. Then the entire battalion surrenders to a Soviet scout platoon. Italy, late war: While Italians try to figure out if they’re supposed to attack, some of them are disarmed by the Axis, some by the Allies, and the rest go home. France: Plan the attack until the Germans get tired of it and attack them. Japan, early war: Soldiers with bayonets fixed and officers with swords drawn do a human wave assault on the hill. The English shoot a couple volleys and retreat across the nearest sea. Japan, late war: Soldiers with bayonets fixed and officers with swords drawn do a human wave assault on the hill. American sentries start shooting at them, they are supported by American company HMGs, battalion mortars, regimental howitzers, battleships and heavy bombers. None of the Japanese make it past the barbed wire. Romanians, Bulgarians, etc.: Massive desertions after rumors about an attack order.
