Yes Mum! 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL . "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why." 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC . "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT . "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 7. My mother taught me IRONY "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA . "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION . "Stop acting like your father!" 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home." 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING . "You are going to get it when you get home!" 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way." 19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 20. My mother taught me HUMOUR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT . "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.
> Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? > > Female customer: A white one... > > =============== > > Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out. > Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button? > Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. > Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note. > Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still > on my desk... sorry.... > > =============== > > > > Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the > screen. > Customer: Your left or my left? > > =============== > > Tech support: Good day. How may I help you? > Male customer: Hello... I can't print. > Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and... > Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill > Gates. > > =============== > > Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time > I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and > placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't > find it... > > ============== = > > Customer: I have problems printing in red... > Tech support: Do you have a colour printer? > Customer: Aaaah....................thank you. > > =============== > > Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? > Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies. > > =============== > > Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. > Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? > Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. > Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. > Customer:! OK > Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you? > Customer: Yes > Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there > another keyboard? > Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah..that one does work... > > =============== > > Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a > capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7. > Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ? > > == ============= > > Customer: can't get on the Internet. > Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? > Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. > Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? > Customer: Five stars. > > =============== > > Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use? > Customer: Netscape. > Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program. > Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer. > > =============== > > Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on > my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears. > > =============== > > Tech support: How may I help you? > Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. > Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? > Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get > the circle around it? > > =============== > > A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her > printer. > Tech support: Are you running it under windows? > Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. > The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his > printer is working fine." > > =============== > > And last but not least... > > Tech support: "Okay Huw let's press the control and escape keys at the > same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now > type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." > Customer: I don't have a P. > Tech support: On your keyboard, Huw. > Customer: What do you mean? > Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Huw. > Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!! > > > ________________________________
Student Bloopers You have just got to read Student Bloopers. The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns -- Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Iliad," by Homer. Homer also wrote "The Oddity," in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. Therewere no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered, because the Persians had more men. Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important vention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespeare never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained." During the Renaissance America began. Cristopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two signers of the eclaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said,"In union there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. Meanwhile, in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish orillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on the thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. The 19th century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history. __________________
Reference those above, my favourite examination quote is the geometry question showing a right angled triangle with two dimensions given and the third marked "X". Question "Find X" Answer "Here it is" Another good email received this morning. Why, Why, Why ? Why do I always feel the need to correct the spelling mistakes in these?????? Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word "lisp"? If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? And my FAVOURITE...... The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then.... it's you. Best Wishes CTNana
Received this today allegedly GM's response to Bill Gates for remarks made at a computer expo (COMDEX), where he compared the computer industry to the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would ! run on only five percent of the roads. 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation' warning light. 7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off." Never undervalue the manufacturing & automobile industries! CTNana p.s. I cannot think of another instance (but I'm sure some of you will) where we buy an expensive product and then have to test it!
Oh so true CTNana - at this precise moment my connection is playing silly buggers. If it was a car, i'd have left the keys in the ignition, waited for the joy riders to have nicked it and then claimed on the insurance. One or two things in Amsterdam come to mind :becky:
Chicken jokes The Telegraph has asked readers to send in chicken jokes :noidea: Most are pretty terrible but I loved this one: Take your time and work it out :becky: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/10/18/njoke118.xml#form
Poached eggs on thick buttered toast, with thick slices of smoked ham (pinch of salt, a grind of pepper and 3 drops of tobasco)....mmm
Has anyone seen this. It has been an awful day but this made me smile again. http://birdloversonly.blogspot.com/2007/09/may-i-have-this-dance.html Hope you enjoy it too! CTNana
You are missing something that will bring a smile to your face! Nevermind, You will have something to look forward to after Uni!
One for the line book! There I was a young Air Cadet and full of enthusiasim for flying, so much so that I saved up my pocket money and bought a copy of the pilots notes for the Chipmunk! Then came the day, we had a days flying lined up at 12 AEF RAF Turnhouse! I duly took my notes with me and as I had to wait for the arrival of the pilot, I sat in the cockpit reading the notes. Up came the pilot who asked me what I was reading and I replied "The pilots notes"! He then said "How interesting"! and climbed aboard! About twenty minutes into the flight and somewhere over Fife, the engine started coughing and spluttering and over the intercom the pilot asked me if he could have my pilots notes! I handed them over and he opened up the cockpit pictures in the back, he then started saying, "Thats okay"! "Thats fine"! Thats good"! Then, "So! Thats what that does! I have always wondered"! then the engine started running smoothly again and we turned for Turnhouse!
