My fave one of that is when the one with its paws apart is saying "I swear the mouse was this effing big"!
I have two very funny .ZMC files of which are not big but I cannot upload. One is about Father Christmas, the other a dog and both have had me chuckling all day. PM me if you want me to email them to you
I agree with that. Can't have the Wise one being victimised by not being able to park his BM anywhere he likes.
Q: Would Lee hit a wheelchair user (wearing glasses too) who "accidentally" scratched his Beemer with their footplate? A: Hell yes - I would like to think that Lee believed in equal opportunities :becky:
A man's remote For a little extra, there is a more advanced model that works on women at work or at a party.
Women? My old boss sent me these! If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ---------------------------------------------------------------- In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. Mmmmmm!!!!
Revenge is Sweet! One night when I was on TCW, there was a party across the hallway! It was a noisy and drunken party which lasted to 0200 on a workday. I got up at 0300, put on my NBC suit, webbing and tin hat. I then went across to the door of the room where they held the party, which by now was very quiet and started to bang on the door! I was also shouting, “Taceval! Taceval!” The door opened and out popped a very drunk and bewildered face, “What’s all the shouting about”? I replied that a Taceval had been announced an hour ago and that I had been sent by the adjutant, to whose team they had been assigned. I further said that “they were on the first chalk and were due to fly out at 0400”! Just at that point, a herc flared its engines as it landed and I pointed out that it was their kite! “Oh! S**t”! came the reply and the door banged shut and I could voices starting to shout at each other to get up! I went back to sleep and had a good and peaceful sleep. The following morning, I was trying to sneak past the Adjutant’s open office door, when I heard his dulcet tones shouting, “Nevans! Get in here!” So, stopping only to take off my forage cap, I entered his office. I was expecting the worst but in fact he was smiling, which did cause me to be a bit disconcerted! “Yes! Sir! What do you want me for”? I asked sheepishly. “Well!” he replied, “It appears that someone had been using my name in vain, last night”! “I don’t know what you mean, sir”? I tried to lie convincingly! He then went on to explain, that three members of UKMF TCW had ran through the camp and past the guardroom trying to get dressed on the run. They were stopped by the Duty Sgt, who asked them where “the bloody hell” they were going. He was met with the reply, “There’s a Taceval”! The Duty Sgt got on the radio to the main guardroom and told them of the Taceval! The duty Cpl started to put to call out into action! By the time, the Duty Sgt had contacted the Duty officer and he had contacted station ops, quite a few people had been called and were on their way back to Brize. However, when the DO had contacted the ops room, he was told that “there was no f******g Taceval”! The three guys were that involved had been so drunk that they could not really remember who it was, that had knocked on the door. As for me, I went about with a smug smile on my face for weeks!
My husband's old boss sent me this today! In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their Family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. 'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the Worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain Transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the Brain yourselves. The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. After a great Length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost? The doctor quickly responded, $5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a Female brain. The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding Eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to Control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more?' The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire Group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the Price of the female brains, because they've actually been used, the male Brains are hardly ever used by the owners. So they are as good as new.' Sorry!!!
When Insults Had Class... "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it" -- Groucho Marx "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill... followed by Churchill's response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one." -- Winston Churchill "I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S Cobb "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating "He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde
Exercise Routine You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some. Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program! SCROLL DOWN... NOW SCROLL UP.. That's enough for the first day. Great job. Have a chocolate, whisky, beer or a glass of wine.
