Guess some of you may have seen this before!!! A normal 30 something, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed round from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said, "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed, "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," winks the woman, "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet." No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes, "...don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?"
I've never possessed one personally but I do remember aprons .... do you? Aprons I don't think our kids know what an apron is. The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath, but along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven. It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears. From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven. When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids. And when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms. Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove. Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron. From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls. In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees. When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds. (DUST? - you'd have had your work cut out trying to find any in my Grandmother's house (she still had gas lighting when she died, refusing all attempts to modernise her house)) When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner. It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that "old-time apron" that served so many purposes. REMEMBER: Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool. Her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw. It sounds almost as disgusting as the frying pan that was only ever wiped not washed!!!! .... and the stew pot that was added to on a daily basis (I hate stew & casserole).
How Blonde Is She??? She was Soooooooo Blonde . * She thought a quarterback was a refund. * She thought General Motors was in the army. * She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. * She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. * At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius." She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde... * She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept. * She sent a fax with a stamp on it. * Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde... * She tripped over a cordless phone. * She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate." * She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK." * She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde... * She studied for a blood test. * She sold the car for gas money. * When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead. * When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home. She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde ... * When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. * She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless. * She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening. * She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
Seven Years ago during a visit to New Zealand I came across the"Unofficial History" selections from N.Z.R.S.A. Review by the Late Great Jim Henderson. IRREFUTABLE When a young Lieutenant was promoted,the date in the London Gazette was shown as April 1st 1064,instead of 1964. That night after a little celebration in the mess his fellow officers persuaded him to claim for back allowances and pay. The application was made out there and then,quoting the pertinent paragraphs of Kings Regulations. The next morning he waited for the inevitable court martial and demotion,but when the reply came weeks later it read: 'Your application for allowances to back date to April 1st 1064.has been found to be in order,and your account has been credited with £39,999. You appear,however,to have overlooked a further paragraph of Kings Regulations,under which a commanding Officer is personnaly responsible for any Guns or Horses lost in action owing to his negligence. If the commanding Officer is killed,his responsibility devolves upon the surviving officer next in seniority. Your letter proves conclusively that you are the sole survivor of the battle of Hastings,1066,where 20,000 horses,valued at £2 each,were lost by your negligence. The responsibility for the payment of the £40,000 therefore falls upon you,and I have used your credit balance to meet this,but please note that you still owe a pound,which may be refunded now or deducted from your next payment as you wish. BOADICEA,Hastings
Since Kitty enjoyed the last one sooo much ....... A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here." The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here." So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?" And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
This lad is obviously destined to be a politician!! 13 Year Old Steals Dad's Credit Card to Buy Hookers
A story which displays both service and Aussie humour! In the aftermath of the firefights at Firebase Coral in Vietnam, two diggers stumble upon a wounded officer. They start doing first aid to stop the bleeding. One of the diggers in apparant attempt to render "reassurance" to the patient, "There should not be so much blood"! The young officer asked why? Back came the reply, "Everybody knows that officers are full of s**t!"
A bit of a funny one but a real story from The Rats of Rangoon: A raid on Rangoon in about March '45 sees B-29s cruise over the gaol and back. A lone B-29 comes along shortly afterwards. "That'll be the photo recce or the general", says one of the Yanks. Suddenly there's a rush of bombs and series of explosions. "Yes", says another, "he just dropped his camera."
The Story of Creation - Aussie style! Creation - The Australian ve I In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and BBQ's He created night for going prawning, sleeping . and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good. On theSecond Day, God created water - for surfing, swimming and BBQ's on the beach , and God saw that it was good. On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good. On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good. On the Fifth day God created a Bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good. On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good. On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good ... ... Well .. Almost good. He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest. So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, To cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good. It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome! IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!!!!
Be Warned!!!! This is worrying Beer contains female hormones Last month, Wits University and RAU scientists released the results of a Recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women . To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour Period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects : 1) Argued over nothing. 2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong. 3) Gained weight. 4) Talked excessively without making sense. 5) Became overly emotional 6) Couldn't drive. 7) Failed to think rationally. 8) Had to sit down while urinating. No further testing was considered necessary. Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer!
I apologise in advance. This is so unPC but it does make me chuckle! There I was on my way to work. Getting into a fight was the furthest thing from my mind. It wasn't even on the horizon. I was in a great mood. And then... I rear-ended a car. So there we are, at the side of the road and, slowly the driver gets out of the car... and you know how you just get sooo stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny? Well, I couldn't believe it... the driver was a dwarf! He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?" And that's when the fight started.
And so is this but sooooo true! Three Men on a Hike Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.' Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice. After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river' Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing. Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river' Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
So a man gets audited by the IRS because his taxes report he has way to much money for what he could possibly be making without a job. He hires a lawyer and goes into the IRS office to meet with the agent. Agent: I see on your tax return that you are reporting a lot of income but you dont have a job, how could that be? Man: I am a terrific better. Agent: Come on, no one is THAT good a better. Man: I am really! Look I bet you $3000 that I can bite my eye. Agent: *thinks for a minute* OK let me see it. So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it. *Agent grumbles* OK you got me on that one, but it still doesn't really explain. Man: OK I bet you another $3000 I can bite my other eye. The Agent knows this guy isn't blind because he is getting around just fine so he agrees. So the man takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye. The agent is thinking hard and looking pretty unsettled because he is now out $6000 which he doesn't want to have to explain to his job nor his wife. The man speaks up and says: You look like a nice guy so I will bet you double or nothing that I can stand on the edge of your desk and pee over it into your garbage can without getting a drop on your desk. The agent thinks for a second and realizes it is his way out, the guy has no chance of winning without getting a drop on his 8' desk. So the guy gets up on the agents desk, unzips and tries with all his might to make it over the desk, but end up failing miserably and pees all over the desk. The IRS Agent lifts his arms and cheers I WON! Then he looks over and notices the lawyer with his shaking head in hands and asks: "Whats the matter with you?" The lawyer replies slowly still shaking his head: "On the way over here this guy bet me $25,000 that he could pee all over your desk and you would be happy about it."
Many a true word etc. etc. Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments? What would YOU do? What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY? Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now....what is the moral to this story? Scroll down The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way.... Things are going to get ugly !
